I don't understand why she insists on me walking her to the door. She came over for literally 8 minutes, we had sex, and now I need her to leave. That fake chivalry will change nothing about the situation.
I could make wine with my vomit
I did the walk of shame to church this morning.
hooker boots and all?
Yep. People looked at me like I was the prodigal daughter returning home. Full of sins but welcome anyway.
then he said "your boobs looked so much bigger on girls gone wild"
I forgot about that,good spring break.
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
! asked the random counter guy from 7/11 for Percocet. he immediately called his hookup
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
No no. Thank you. Killed multiple birds with one penis.
Randomize
