The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
Man, I must say, having known you since preschool, Eiffel-Tower-ing her would've fully completed our journey to brotherhood.
He kept making me pretend I was his personal trainer. When I swallowed his cum he made me pretend I was drinking a protein shake. Thats actually what it tasted like.
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
No. I want to vom filet mignon and ziti bits everywhere and my body feels like I ran a cock triathalon. I feel less triumphant and more like death.
there's fuck elsewhere to go, I'll be there with 8 lbs of bronzer on my tits
You know what would make this walk of shame even better? Picking up my cap n gown on the way to my car
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
I was struggling morally, but once I let go, I came pretty hard.
She said she was sober from drugs for a week. All I heard was Kenny Loggins singing Danger Zone.
Ur here to start shit and I'm here to light that shit on fire
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
Randomize
