I like bacon cheeseburgers and the pussycat dolls
Does that mean you want me to loosen up your buttons at carls jr?
The frequency that you give me blue balls couldn't be healthy.
She just told me she's too full for a reach-around. Sad.
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
Promise me you won't have sex in my room
I can't promise you that, but I promise you that I'll try
Might want to in your tub tho. That thing is fucking huge.
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
You've changed since you got that strap on
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
The first thing my Christmas gift money is buying is a dildo.
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
Randomize
