Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
I had a dream he was standing in front of me naked and flexing while yelling VICTORY and gizzing all over the floor.
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
He wanted to save my dignity, I just wanted beads and jäger
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Randomize
