Not hooking up w him- he has one of those L.L. Bean book bags w his initials on it
you were mad bc i took longer then 2 minutes to finish
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
I took shrooms last night.. For a good half hour I genuinely believed I was black and being held captive by a leaf. Never again.
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
Major life highlight, she said my dick taste like coffee.
He's being awfully beer snobby for a guy who ordered salad
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
You're wasting your dick. It needs to be bestowed upon the masses.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
Randomize
