Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
I'd be surprised if he had a problem with boundaries after helicoptering his penis in front of you
i just wanna get shit faced and pass out in some random holly bush with a bucket on my head and stockings for shoes.
Just bought the plane tickets. Light headed. Blood rush to clit oh god blue clit. Mayday mayday vagina down!
Apparently he took me home and I pulled up my senior pictures on fbook and made him guess what I was thinking during each different pose.
I need to throw up and die. The order doesn't matter. I feel like shit
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
In that state of mind I managed to bounce back from getting hit by a golf cart and convince an investigations officer that I was okay to go into the game.
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
I may be asexual, but I owe you a solid from yesterday. I am a man of my word.
you have 10 seconds to explain why the toilet is full of bread or its ALL GOING ON YOUR BED.
Randomize
