Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
Fried chicken is a must. Do strippers eat fried chicken or should I plan on something else?
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
I just replaced the poop spray with an air horn... Now we wait!
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
This is my college life. Rolling at 4PM on a Wednesday to skrillex in the parking lot of a mexican restaurant.
I'm in the woods tripping balls the water is rising why don't you answer me
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
Cancel your plans for the fourth someone is streaming iron chef on twitch
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