you know what sucks? talking to chicks you dont want to have sex with
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
Well i have to fuck at least one of your roommates this year to keep the tradition alive.
i dont feel like going...you don't know how much work goes into getting my whore on
Had a farmer come into my class to talk to us today. He apparently met his wife on fb and just thanked jesus for his land. I think I am in the wrong major...
You were sad because he was "taking it out on the plant"
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
And all i could do was bury the part of me that felt guilty for cradle robbing and put on my dick swallowing bib.
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
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