Dude, I just went to take a piss and looked at my ballsack... Underneath was labled "L" and "R"
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
did mom hear me barking???
oooooh yeah. good luck explaining that one
sooo high. sooo many dog friends
You gotta pick a side. My suggestion: side with tits.
There is nothing wrong with me introducing you as elephant dick. Nothing.
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
ive decided that just saying "yes" when people assume I am something other than Caucasian will highly benefit my love life. last night I was native.
I just wanna be euthanized
Thas it
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
I'm peeing on your house...you up?
Our fake lesbian relationship is better than her real relationship. Bitch be jealous
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Randomize
