May have just accidentally purchased an iphone on Kate's credit card. This has potential to be bad.
onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
I peed while puking? Even better
Yes you most deff did. Ultimate multi tasker you are
his mom walked in, looked at me, sighed n nsaid 'when are u gonna learn' n walked out
I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
I was naked with an australian flag taped to my boobs. Damn internationals think they can claim everything.
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
I couldn't find pants for like 20 minutes so I was butt ass naked just sitting on your floor
He was so energetic. It was like screwing a bunny.
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
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