I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on.
when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
Situation: He got it in my eye, how long do I let it sting before should start to worry?
There really should be an "avoid ghetto" option on my GPS.
He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
Dude with the Beatles haircut just got his pilots license and wants to take us up to do a case race mid flight. Don't tell me networking is unnecessary.
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
Just walk straight and zig zag through cars tell you get to the road. That's where I am. Perpendicular to the doors do not make any turns
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
Im going to bed. I'm seeing 7 of everything and my world smells like gravy
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
holy fucking shit get me out of here. even the babies are wearing beanies
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
He said he didn't want to go down on me so I told him we were going to have an oral stalemate.
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