I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
I am at the gas station and there is a whole amish family here I'm not sure why the amish need gas but I think its worth investigating
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
Single handedly the worst sex I've ever had just went down. Its like we both laid there after word-less thinking about the other " could they be any worse in bed" ?
and do you remember when you were dressing me if i had money in my bra?
did anyone else see me puking into my coat sleeve?
We learned a lot about one another. I showed him around the town I grew up in and he informed me that he has had a threesome and killed a cat
When the question of, do you know who's ass has been on the cake you are eating is said... Good or bad party?
Yea there's blood all over the porch but we wont have to buy alcohol for the rest of the week
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
I wish I could just hang out in ERs.
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
You tryed convincing the salvation army bell ringer you could do the worm and face planted into the sidewalk... I put a dollar in the can for your performance
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