i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
i hooked up with a boy reading dear john, i have to get points for that somewhere
no he gets major points for having a girl hookup with him after reading dear john
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
He bought me shots at the bar as his way of of paying me back for Plan B
My eyes feel like they're throwing up and I am the only human on campus
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
You're at a grade school volley ball game with a yeti of tequila. You've passed extra
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
