Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
just skyped with my friend to listen in on the people talking shit about me in the library. creepy or strategic?
I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
I need a second opinion on who's blood is in my car.
Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
You are right. The scrape marks on her ass are from her breaking the doggy door by crawling through it.
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
Dude it was bad... like you fell asleep around the toilet after drinking from the back tank bad.
I feel like weed makes my smarter. I'm watching the stocks and the way I understand if, do not invest in Yahoo right now because they are not fit for that.
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
And the sky opened up and god said.... "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!!!!"
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
Randomize
