Who is this?
Who do you want it to be?
Sarah Palin
I've got the updo, bangs, and glasses, but I'm blonde
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
The old saying is "its not the size of the boat-- but the motion of the ocean" is obviously for those on the "Small side." I am of the belief that "You can't churn butter with a toothpick"
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
I'm not a creep or anything, just a lost soul looking for a good lay
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
And for those of you keeping score at home this is the 7th time I've found Casey passed out head first in a bowl of chips at a party I didn't even know she was at
I brought ur friend Scotty home... He started rubbing my crotch then fell down and passed out in front of the microwave
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
Hurry I'm alone dressed like a prostitute eating French fries.
Dude i woke up today by a pile of fried chicken and wearing a bra
.......stop going to frat parties....
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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