that girl looks like she smells like hot dog water...
What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
when he was about to finish he told me to avert my eyes and keep my lady parts away. chivalry isnt dead.
come find me. Outside the bar we were just in waving my syringe in the air
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
High gym went like this: I went to Dairy Queen instead.
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
There are Vine videos that have lasted longer than he did
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
NO NINJA FIGHTING AT THE GAS STATION
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