So I pulled my t-shirt down, pushed my boobs up and marched right into that church!
You should have seen k-money last night. She was just hanging on to the toilet for half the night. By her fourth trip to puke, she started talking to it and was doing the voices for her and it. She kept saying "...we thank you for your continued business..." haha
Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
I miss the days when all my weekends consisted of were 69 and crunchwraps
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
Two questions for you. Did I throw up last night and did we get food or did I dream that..?
No you never threw up but you did force me to take you to wendy's because you wanted "beef and ketchup"
I bruised my vagina when I was climbing out of the trash can.
I was laying out of the open window, talking with him on the phone, while we were both puking at the same time.. Guys at the party called it "true love"..
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
Hey what are you up to?
I am wear the people with the mustaches live. I have found their home.
DUDE, WE BOUGHT THE ACID TOGETHER.
I have wine with a bendy straw bitches I can do fucking anything
Randomize
