I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
it was funny though when you first woke up you pointed at my shoe and said i need my jacket and then put my shoe on your hand
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
New game: find the sober person in Tbell
First I must say that I am disappointed to learn that you knowingly have trashy friends with whom you've not hooked me up.
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
I actually cannot wait for your visit. I miss people who make me look like the virgin mary in comparison.
It's called hot rabbit the party if he asks the password is "careful" don't ask
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
it doesn't matter what you do now, you will forever be known as the girl who fell off the roof
nooooo! we need to brain storm. I need rebranding....what if I start always showing up with my cat or a wacky hat?
try again roofio
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
Yeah. I hurt his pride. But he's not over it. And by it I mean me.
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
Randomize
