I murdered the dance floor call the cops
grandma shit on top of the toilet
We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
Took his v-card last night. Yet another experience I didn't expect to have in my thirties.
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
honestly i just want a cigarette and someone to go down on me... are you interested in helping with either of those
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
I am 5' 11" of pure, uncut Fuck Off right now.
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
Randomize
