My professor is talking about sperm and all I can think about is my mouth
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
My #1 goal this summer is to get drunk at olive garden
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
I'm surprised I didn't lose anything last night. Except maybe my dignity but other than that we gucci.
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
HE ASKED IF I HAD SIBLINGS WHEN I ASKED HIM TO LICK MY ASSHOLE
I'm eating taquitos in the bathtub at 5:30 am. What a great end to the night
He washed his dick in my kitchen sink after sex. I think he might be a keeper.
I forgot a room to the key..so whenever you wake ip and read this...I'm sleeping inthe hallway..please find me
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
Randomize
