So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
Wouldn't pinatas filled with coke be awesome idea for cinco de mayo?
Cause i'm hanging over the toilet bowl and thinking about your ball in my mouth is not helping
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
its amazing there are so many photos of me and him separately, since most of that party time was spent sneaking away to fuck upstairs...
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
how do I say, without sounding slutty... That I can take a dick?
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
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