Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
it was surprisingly calming to be rocked to sleep by his roommate humping on the bottom bunk
Called Jeff last night and told him I wanted to have sex in the airport terminal. Blackout Brooke definitely came out last night.
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
I just want to get drunk and wake up on Wednesday
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
It was technically 11... But I go by McDonald's time, if they aren't servin breakfast, it's the afternoon. Therefore I can drink
He should know he can't successfully wrestle in pudding fully clothed. Amateur.
A homeless man gave him a blanket and an ambulance drove him to sarahs...
She made sure everyone knew we were doing shots for her dead grandma.
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
Randomize
