I wish my penis had an off switch
I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
i just had to google what happens if your dog eats your nuva ring
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
8:30 every morning in the third floor bathroom we fuck in the handicap stall. You have your morning workout and I have mine.
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
After we banged he volunteered to ducksit while I went to work. I think that's true love.
i agree, on both the sex thing and the unrepentant bastard thing
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
I could see the visible disappointment when she saw my penis
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