i think blowjobs on the first date are perfectly acceptable. as long as you dont go dick to mouth.
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
Trying to convince my mother to let me take some of my sisters Lortab to sell is not going well
Playing a game in life called "how far can I make a man travel for a booty call"
I showed him my toy collection and he goes, "You won't need those anymore," and dropped his pants. I threw the House of Pleasure out last night.
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
One day i'll wow you with artfully trimmed pubes.
Amnesty Wednesday? I'm free to do dirty things to you and you can't laugh or judge?
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
It must be love. I'm deleting my porn for him.
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
My boyfriend's mom is the manager of Wendy's. The same one I took a pregnancy test in.
Randomize
