Whatever it was. it was pregnant.
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
Wait, how do girls masturbate?
I dunno we use shower heads I guess.
..how does it fit?
i just taught a 3 year ld how to do a jager bomb, i cant wait to have kids
Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.
i wish i had the videos of us pissing on him last night.
He was very impressed that you could put your hair in a ponytail by yourself while throwing up.
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
I turn into such a nice and loving person when I take Vicodin
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
Babe if there was a way to give a back rub and head at the same time that's what I would ask for my birthday, Christmas and of course right now. Please think about how and get back to me.
He passed out while I was riding him but stayed hard long enough for me to orgasm. He definitely earned the blow job I’m going to wake him up with in the morning!
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