Call me so I can make it juicy for ya
Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
Definitely still drunk while signing the 'responsible adult' form at the hospital
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
She's coming to town, taking me to a Suns Game, wants Anal, and knows we're not going to date, I imagine this is what heaven is like
The savings from $3 shots still doesn't add up to plan-b
I think the imperative here is that I literally knocked down a sorority house with the force of my dick.
Have you resumed life with the rest of the world yet or are you still huddled in the fetal position while wearing compression gear?
I've started a list of places i want to drink. To go along with the list of places i want to have sex. Lincoln's log cabin is on both.
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
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