Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
I want to punch and suck your dick at the same time. I don't think we have the healthiest of relationships.
went from writing my paper to watching obamas speech to crushing beers and singing springsteen in a crowd of 100 within 20 minutes. I love this country
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
But once you explained how to fill cupcakes with semen I realize you were harmless and right on my level.
These are all good points. But, I think your under estimating what it's like to be held upside down for a standing 69
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
I slept on her porch...in her dads handcuffs
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
You peed on a flamingo?!?
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
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