I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
Michael Bay diarrhea
Pretending to care to care about playoffs in exchange for free shots. I'm sorry in advance.
he drove an hour to get eggs with me not even a blow job, just eggs.
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
When I don't want to forget things I put them on my cigs.
C smoking isn't all bad
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
She's currently doing somersaults across the kitchen floor without underwear on. We may not make it to the bar.
You answered, dry heaved into the phone twice, & then hung up on me.
How have you never felt a dick as hard as mine?
HELL YEAH TIME TO KICK THE CHILDREN
Upstairs definitely just had sex while I wrote you love poetry. That was a fun experience 🤷🏻♀️
I have a number of responses, ranging in content, tone, and maturity. Choose your destiny...
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
Randomize
