I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
I just fully woke up, never smoking that much weed again. I had stress dreams about your house being surrounded by a lake and we kept losing our cars in it.
He's thawing a cheesecake on his stomach. We're that high.
We did it in the bar bathroom and the bathroom attendant sold us a condom. I love Nashville
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
I just had all of the sex. All of it.
You know that thing where you wouldn't typically eat ass but you're in love with him so you want to eat his ass, because it's HIS ass
I apparently ooze single. The second I left his house after break up sex five of my old booty calls text me
U dont jog and buy condoms n bulk
Randomize
