my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
OMG. if college stays like this, theres no way i wont be pregnant by first semester
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
I called you daddy and let you stick things in my butt, I am a damn 11.
If youre worried about being stabbed, you probably shouldnt be there.
I'm a shining star this evening. Dancing with a cane in rite aid now. I should be kept under survaillance.
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
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