I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
i was taking the test and had to adjust my boner and my teacher thought i was cheating or something
I just want a better ending for myself. Not walking around with one sock on and my bush hanging out.
Naturally, I just peed all over the floor. Two guys in front of me looked at me, but i just shrugged. They won't remember either.
i remember too much of last night for it to have been successful
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
Does going to a local bar count as taking part in Small Business Saturday? Asking for a friend
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
dude im trying to eat his ass so can you stop for 10 minutes
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