So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
it feels like my vag is blowing bubbles
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
So I've been to the library twice so far. Both times were for the atm, and once I was stoned. Junior year is going great.
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
Lol I just left. He's funny and he's cute. Downside: he thinks he can outdrink us
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
I think I just smoked a piece of your foot. Were u picking your feet by the weed?
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
Randomize
