All I remember from last night is puking up a box of cheeze-its and the building catching on fire.
it's all fun and games until somebody pulls the tampon string..
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
his mom found me in the closet hiding and the only thing i could think of was to sit there and wave.
while you've been gone this has kinda turned into some sort of fivesome-type thing. just thought i should warn you for when you get back
We are NOT roofying him just to get him to pass out so we can build a masive snow cock in his yard.
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
You're always so generous when it comes to your dick.
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
That was the second worst thing to happen to my asshole.
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
Stories. There's stories.
MEGHAN YOU'VE BEEN THERE FOR 20 MINUTES
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
Randomize
