I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
hows the new call of duty?
I only had sex with the game case so far, but that part was awesome.
She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
I told him he was my first gentile. He was so flattered.
Aside from the fact that there's a penis in my mouth, that's a pretty good picture of me
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
Guess who's the proud owner of her very own foxtail butt plug!!
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
all I know is that I was naked, and there were cheeto puffs everywhere...
Randomize
