How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
this girl is having heart failure because she lost her feather...a gypsy blessed it in turkey. Not sure im high enough for this
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
He wears a hat. All the time. Even during sex. And I'm okay with that.
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
Dude Eric's high and buying everyone taquitos. How much room do we have in the freezer?
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
The last thing I remember is feeding country fried steak to my best friend in a bubble bath with my bare hands.
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
Randomize
