Facebook is asking me which Pokemon I'd be. Is there one whose only moves are gay sex and reading Adrienne Rich?
Capitaan dildo arrescate!
Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
yeah i fucked her in the storage room on the inflatable mattress. i don't know if i should feel proud for me or bad for her.
she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.
now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
Just had flashback to me showering u with stir fry as u rythed on the floor
ted dressed as a cardinal led an expedition across campus. i felt like one of the 12 apostles.
Would it be sad if I made a blanket fort to get drunk in till the power came back?
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
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