I'm being responsible and going as a gay, slutty Mormon missionary. It's responsible because I'll have a bike helmet on for when I fall over because I'm too shitfaced to stand upright. It's safer than Count Fagula. I just need to come up with a line equal or greater than "Blaaaa I want to suck your dick"
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
He sprained his penis one time
He was "naked wrestling" and fell off the couch and landed on his erect penis
Who is Katie and why do we have her birthday cake?
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
I'll have you know my trust issues and my daddy issues are two COMPLETELY different topics of conversation.
You aren't truly friends with someone until you play drinking games via text at 8:30 in the morning.
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
I love everything about him! His penis, his hair, his tattoos, his penis, his cat, his penis.
the only things my left hand does: catch/hold things and masturbation.
while giving me head, she stopped, looked up at me smiling and said "ill never be able to look at bananas the same way again" and then went back to work.
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
got cock blocked by the cops again. two of the cops were the same ones from that t bell incident and they recognized me... they still dont like me
Randomize
