you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
I found out that all you need to write a 12 page paper is adderall and twizzlers
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
i've hooked up with him and three of his roommates and not a single one of them knows about it..think its safe to say i found the silver lining in a boys inability to communicate
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
I'll hold a taco with my boobs for you
The assistant vp has a bottle of wine on his desk & I have a feeling my boobs will be making an appearance today.
I told him I had AIDS after he bit me. His dad cried. I think I just ruined the little guy's 3rd birthday, but he had in coming.
Then. Omg he showed me A CARD TRICK AFTER WE CAME
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
McDonald's and a car nap. I feel kinda human
I'm pretty sure I regained my virginity last night
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