We should go out drinking together soon
I'm still not going to have sex with you
They still haven't come up with a cure for a hangover; good luck cancer.
My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
You act like pregaming preseason hockey is a crime. Come on man, get fucked up and watch pucks. It rhymes so well it has to go together. DOS EQUIS Y DEVILS!
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
Due to last night I think a roommate constitution should be made. The first law will be designed to prevent any chicks below a 4 to enter the house.
Honestly I'm not even that excited to see my boyfriend. I'm more excited to see his penis. His penis inside of me.
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
Randomize
