Call me "white mamba"
Your dick is not a dangerous deadly poisonous snake
It is white.
It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
Remember when we had a keg, and then another 5 cases... and like 30 people drank it all?
Everything hurts.
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
My stripper pole led lights flash with the sound so it's awsome with music
3 2 1 whiskey
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
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