ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.
I am so fucking pissed, there are no Shamwows in the As Seen on TV Store.
Looks like you'll have to stick to jizzing in socks.
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
Watching a deaf couple have an argument in the mall. Can't bring myself to look away.
i ordered 12 mcnuggets at mcdonalds and ended up getting 20. for free. miracles really do happen when your high.
I take back everything I said about communal showers
Pregnant only lasts nine months, being hot takes way longer to go away. So yes, I will continue to hit on the hot pregnant girl.
Ya know, since we do have alot of sex with each other i figure i should wish you a happy valentines day
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
Is it a bad thing that I've made out with everybody I work with?
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
i think my cat just said my name.
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
...this is why fuck buddies should be only for grownups.
Randomize
