I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
dont worry your back hair reminds me of angel wings
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
After 12 shots he decided to show us knife tricks. You can figure out how it ended
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
The closest thing to a sext that you will ever receive from me is a picture of pepperonis on Greg's asscheeks, clenching.
Look, all I can tell ya is I want to drink wine out of a bottle while you eat me. It would be the most fantastic end to finals week. Maybe ever.
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
Its a good night when you get to makeout with a cowboy
Can you get an STD by sharing underwear? Walk of shamed home and realized I was wearing someone else’s panties
No one knows. This doesn’t happen to normal people.
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