If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
Get here now. This is going to be possibly my most dangerous idea ever, and I'm the guy who challenged a hobo to a breakdance fight.
He had me believing he was actually British until he came and used his real voice.
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
It's all fun and games until you throw up hot cheetos in your drawer.
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
I should be rewarded with oreos for not turning into a raging cunt.
You are driving me to get new toys, i am test driving them on the way home.
We are taking your truck.
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
i smell like vinegar and tequila i can feel the old people behind me judging
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
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