i just pooped in tubberware. not a proud day
my phone needs a breathalizer
That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
Her cum face looks like the large marge scene in pee-wees big adventure
Whatever is fine with me, as long as I am dressed in green and end up shitfaced.
You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
The only thought that went through my head was "that would be an absolute disaster" so of course I said yes
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
Besides the fact that the only male who has shown an interest in me in the last 5 months has a strange and unfortunate resemblance to fucking Frodo, I've been good thanks
He didn't get laid that weekend.. and that is honestly an accomplishment for the rest of us.
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
I'm tired of you and your emotional constipation. WHY DO YOU CLOSE YOUR EYES WHEN WE MAKE LOVE!?
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