I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
I shagged another guy with one ball last night. Are there really that many dudes with one nut in la or am I just a magnet for prostetic testes?
Im at the zoo right now high out of my mind and feel as if the animals are watching me and Im the one in a cage.
The guatemalans kept making all these sexual suggestions ... With the corn
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
So basically he tried to get out of the car and crawl on the highway with the broken leg because he didn't want to go to the hospital. It was not a good time...then we got pizza though.
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
nothing like a walk of shame in front of a cnn news crew to start the morning off right
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
Rough day
Good thing I've started drinking again
I've pulled 4 ticks off of me. This is the last time I suck dick in the wild.
i left you alone for two hours TWO HOURS & when i got back i had to rush you to the hospital because you were covered in Smooth Away pads & drinking the bong water..
So much for no-infidelity-fridays....
Randomize
