I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
i had a headache and asked the kid next to me for aspirin. he gave me esctacy instead. gotta love college.
Well fuck that. I mean, I made out with my cousin once. Who gives a fuck.
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
Lead with your genitals is the best advice I can give you.
the whole bar just wished me luck with my booty call tonight
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
my memory may be fuzzy, but the 20+ naked pictures I sent him were surprising clear
Crappy Mother's Day to you! Those of us who don't have children fill the void with hot sex, sleeping in, more sex, leisurely suntanning, foreign travel, overseas sex, paying cash for sports cars, watching TV, having sex on the floor in front of TV porn, lounging around the house, or whatever the hell we want.
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
Would you still love me if my nipple fell off?
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
He tried to grab your ass, but he grabbed my hand cause I grabbed your ass first. I saved your ass..literally. Your welcome.
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
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