U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
She was walking with the authority that 2 beers gave to a light weight.
you dont remember trying to break dance in the middle of the casino floor on ur own throw up?
oh that explains alot.
Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
Also, don't forget your plan to die young at a shrooms-fueled orgy.
The night was crazy enough that we did a workout. Instructed by the bouncer at 2am
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
Randomize
