Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
So I'm cool with the whole break up, but it sure is a shame we didn't get to use those handcuffs.
She said she could kiss it, just not put it in her mouth. Because that would be cheating..
If we get out of this alive, I'm never going to a Denny's at 3 am again.
All I remember is taking a bath, puking in the bath water numerous times while trying to wash myself and I must of eventually given up
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
apparently it's a turnoff if you ask a guy why he thinks he needs to use magnums
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
Black out Jordan is making huge strides. I didn't even pee on anyone or anything last night.
We had sex on a dog bed..
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
i dont know how or why im in the gym right now, but theres a hot cop, a guy i hook up with, and his hot friend. this can only lead to every fantasy i ever had.
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