i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
Where are you and who are these girls passed out on the floor?
and why are they spooning a flamingo?
they traded weed for a spot on our floor. be nice.
I need a picture of your dick for my friends birthday card
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
all i remember was her shitting herself and asking me to call her parents.....i so didn't. when i woke up she was gone and left a note saying "we will be lovers forever"
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
It probably would have happened but I just can't picture myself losing my virginity while laying on top of his Quiksilver duvet set.
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
Come on in and take your pants off
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