I'm eating all of the evidence.
i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
Yeah, that's not really a good thing. Especially for a girl. You should get a tattoo on your stomach that says "Please wear a condom".
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
I Never golf you the sypdu of andrew. The one o will marry. The one j plwgded my last breath up. The one I pledged everything I live forbworh to. I love him more than life itself
When we were grinding I think your nuva ring fell into my shoe
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
So, if you eat too many protein bars, you will shit your pants. This I learnt today..... at work.
i just passed i guy i once let listen to me masterbate on the phone...nyc is not big enough
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
My mom is dancing slutty on the bar I need more drinks to be ok with this
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
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