The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
I didn't wanna be that girl that took a shit in the ocean..
I dunno. Last time I went there I had got sexually propositioned by a Belgian prince.
No more Raisinettes before sex. That's what happened. I just put it together
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
I pissed myself at the bar so I threw away my wet underwear and kept partying... you act you've never done that before
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
It's only funny because he thinks you had sex with him to rob him.
Maybe if I ever do become a counselor, I would just implement a kind of intensive meme therapy.
it wasnt that bad
you tried to climb into my fireplace while screaming TO DIAGON ALLEY! we didnt even watch harry potter. it was bad
dude the last time we saw him was 2 nights ago when he was yelling that the trees were naked or some shit then he ran into the forest. I think its time for a search party
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
Randomize
