Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
Eating a girl out that was just in the ocean does not make her taste like saltwater taffy
I wanna fuck padma even more now that she's preggers. Is that sick?
Yes but- 100% agreed
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
While at warped tour today a girl was crowd surfing and her vagina landed in my face, I call that a successfull day.
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
why is "bang the student affairs grad assistant" the third highest thing on your semester goals list
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
Can I just say how funny it is that your "respect" tattoo is right above the bruise from me slapping your ass
Is there any reason why a taxidermic donkey head is in the shower?
was having sex but got distracted... he instragramed a pic of his crotch
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